A tale of fate...

IV--I. M. To R. T. HAMILTON BRUCE (1846-1899)



Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley~

1875

A Tale of Fight

Go to the Matresses

What do you when you realize that those around you mean to harm you instead of helping you out? Meaning; what do you do when you realize that the people you thought closest to you are diggin' your grave instead of just letting you pass by the cemetery without hoping to someday see you there?

The solution?

No, this time is not revolution but as Mario Puzo very well described in The Godfather (1972) is to "go to the matresses". The very well known phrased usued usually in gangster about Italian Mafia, means loosely that we have to prepare for war.

That is what you have to do. Leave your soft spots asides and all the things that have hurt you, diregard any sort of betrayal and anger which you might feel towards the people who were diggin' your grave whilst you were "asleep" and prepare yourself for the battle of the battles.

Think practicaly: "This is my life, it's now or never, I am in charge of my own destiny, I am going to fight and win because even if I lose I am a winner. I am going to the matresses. My enemies are my power and my means to become better and surpass them. This is war. It's nothing personal. It's just business. It's just life. It's just a dog-eat-dog kinda world and I have to bury the people who pretend to be my helpers in order to achieve the mental picture of my goals. "

No matter who hurt you, no matter what they've done to you, no matter how they've done 'it' to you, you must rise above them and be the bigger person. You have to fight with your self esteem high, no matter if you think that your self-esteems is at tatters. Focus on that mental picture. Think of your prior reasons for beginning on your life's journey and cry out all the soppy emotions you have. It's time to fight. Not for Middle Earth. Not for the honor of your family. Not for saving the world. But for saving youself.

You are the goal. You fight for you. You soldier up yourself for your. You prepare for physical and psychological wounds. You push yourself to try harder. You challenge yourself to the limits. You are thankful for being already who you are. And you go to the matresses. "

The Tale of How it All Begins....

Chapter One

“SHIT! IS THIS MY LIFE???”

So I’m actually, for the first time after a long long time, writing down recent “shitty” events from my insignificant little life. So here we go:

1) For starters, I have NO real friends. And the people I think they’re my friends they’re simply there because when they don’t have a shoulder to cry on they resort to me; the always-innocent- victim who will listen to them just because I happened to be born an asshole and take everyone’s crap as if they were my own.

2) Secondly; my dearest father, who says he “loves” me but all he does all day is remind me how unworthy and unimportant I am, aka what a scum I am and how little I have provided and will provide as well in the future, generally speaking. His all-time-consuming/oppressive love for me makes me question his motives as to not wanting me to leave the house and making it on my own. Idealism is a hard thing, as he pointed out a million times to me, and it’ll hit you hard in the face without askin’ ya. Again, how the f*** does he expect me to learn anything if he doesn’t let me get hit in the face? How will my mistakes be made if I’m always protected not to make any? How am I gonna learn how cruel and unfair life is, and what a bloody-bitch life is if I don’t get to taste it first hand?

3) Saying to someone, “you really are talented and an artist” does not mean shite to me. I don’t need or want or desrve false words. If you say you are a FRIEND then look me in the eye and don’t go bullshitting me with words of wisdom and encouragement but have the guts to stand to my face and say, you’re bloody worthless and a coward, and no I don’t care about you otherwise I would have wished you for your last bloody birthday but I didn’t…so take a hint and piss off…and I will. All you have to do is just F****** tell me you twat!

4) Seeing my mother slave for most of her adult life just to raise my shitty ass, makes me even more worthless than my father accounts me for. All I keep thinking is to make some money to relieve her and make her for once spoiled like she has been making me for so many years. Why am I such an arrogant prick and don’t care that I want to leave her in this forgotten rotten place (my hometown) and go off like a yound idealist I am, to fight for my future and my so-called-bloody-career,which I might even end up screwing up in the end with this move.

5) Instead of ‘moving forward’ they should rename it to ‘move-to-bloody-where-exaclty??’ I am trying to begin a new life and instead all I keep doing is falling into the traps of living my old life for the second time. How bloody stupid am I after all? Very stupid, apparently.

6) Spending 21hours of your entire day with your nine year old dog in your bed does not constitute that you are offering anything to anyone, not even your worthless self. Having a doctor yellin’ all the time that you didn’t rest enough, will not f****** make you any better. Having your folks naggin’ on you all day for restin’ ALSO does not make the healing any speedier. And letting everyone convince you that you WILL fail in your “new endeavours” is not the best tactic to tackle your boosting-up-your-low-confidence-plan, which by now it has already gone to -300.

7) Eating doghnuts, candy, chocolates, brownies and drinking as much as soft drinks there are in the fridge won’t help with bringing any low self confidence issues to their elimination point. Instead, it only increases them. Seeing your once-thought-to-be-best-friend thriving with that excellent body of hers while you’re rotting away by your pointless, endless days trying to put your life into some kind of prespective, does not help as well. And having your cousin, who you have not seen for over eight months, knocking on your door and the first thing that asks you is if she lost weight and how you find her sillouhette, is another minus point in the boosting up your confidence plan.

***So in a summary of all this so far I can proudly say that I am indeed FCUK(ED) and that I should not blame others for my msisery but myself, cause after all in the very wisedomus words of my dearest father…

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER IDEALIST SPOILED LITTLE FOOLISH TWENTY YEAR OLD, LOOKING TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK!!! SO SPARE ME THE “I-M-GONNA-MAKE-IT-ON-MY-OWN-CRAP” CAUSE IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN KID!